How to Move In with Your Significant Other
Tips for the Big Move-In
You've been seeing each other for some time now and you think that you are ready to move in with each other. So, what is the next step? I am going to guide you through this metamorphosis based off of my own experiences, failures and successes. Everyone's experiences will be different, of course, but some advice is better than no advice.
1. When is good?: The choice to take the next step and move in with each other is never an easy one. There's no perfect time, as everyone is different. I've heard of people making the move after three months of seeing each other, and others, like myself, who make the move after three years of seeing each other. No one can really answer the "when" question with an exact time.
But, I can offer some advice. "When" should be a choice between the both of you that shouldn't be all practical or all emotional. It should be a balance You are not a roommate. Your purpose is not solely to split all of the bills 50/50. Moving in with each other should reflect a new phase of your relationship. It should reflect growth.
If you are choosing to move in with your significant other just because you can't live without him or her, or you are doing it only because you need a break with your bills, you are choosing to build your relationship on a weak foundation. Your SO cannot support you emotionally on his or her own, and you cannot establish your role as a roommate or you may get stuck in that role.
Both partners must want the growth as well. If one is not ready and the other is, it creates an imbalance that can threaten the relationship all together. When I first moved in with my SO, he said he was ready, but it turned out he was not. This resulted in some pretty hefty relationship consequences that took a year of rebuilding to iron out.
"When" is a decision that is all yours, but I would say that if you feel somewhere down in the pit of your stomach that it just might not be time yet, no matter how much you might need him or her, or how hard it might be to live on your own - don't do it. Go with your intuition and what your heart tells you. It will be worth waiting for.
2. Bills, Bills, Bills: Have a plan for your finances. It will not work out if you both move in with each other and wing it. You need to know how the finances will be split so that your plan is clear-cut and set in stone.
There are a few approaches to finances. One would be the "How Much Can I Handle?" approach. This is when the both of you might sit down to look at who makes the most money and who can feasibly support which bills. While this might not be split down the middle, it will remove the stress from one of you, making it easier to get bills paid on time and in full without having to nag the other for money.
Another approach might be to assess which bills are being used more by whom and then split them up and keep it set that way. If your SO uses the internet more than you do, and it is an amenity he/she had there to suit his needs, than perhaps the internet bill should be his/her responsibility. Be careful that if these parameters change in the future that you adjust them after sitting down and discussing your financial responsibility options once more. A last minute "You used the internet three days out of the month this month, so you should help with the bill too," will not be helpful or beneficial to your new living arrangement.
Lastly, there's the good ol' 50/50, black and white, right down the middle approach. Half of every bill is paid by each of you regardless of who ate what, who is using what, and who left the sink running all night. This approach assures that there is no middle ground to argue with. You live in the house too, you pay for half of it.
3. Routines: Going from living on your own to living with another fulltime can be quite a shocking experience. When you live by yourself, you are used to your own habits and your own routines. When you are hungry for dinner and it is four in the afternoon, you make dinner. Who is going to stop you? When you are bored and lounging around the house and feel like going to the gym, you get up and go to the gym, simple as that! And so what if your laundry has been sitting in a heap in your bedroom for the past two weeks? You still have plenty more clothes to wear before you foot the quarters for the washing machines!
It doesn't quite work that way when there are two individuals living under the same roof. A routine should be established to eliminate the "Will you do the dishes" arguments and the "It's eight at night and you still did not make dinner yet" fights.
Split chores up and make sure that they have an assigned day that they should be completed by. Decide a dinner schedule of when dinner will be made and who will make it. Maybe Tuesdays and Thursdays can be your gym day, allowing for the SO to have some free, alone time in the house (alone time is always important - we will discuss that later).
Guessing each other's next step will prove to be disappointing in the end. If you know that x needs to be done by y, then there is a mutual understanding in the home that it will be done and it doesn't need to be stressed out over.
4. Togetherness: Perhaps a few weeks have gone by and you have found your adjustment to be smooth, or maybe a bit rough around the edges. Everyone's experience will be different, so it's important to be careful when comparing to others' "When I Moved In With Bob" stories and keep focus of your own.
This is your time to live and grow with each other. You've gone from date nights, to vacation weekends to now living and breathing each other's air every moment of every day. It's a pretty harrowing concept to think about! But don't lose track of the most important thing - you are together!
I think it is important to spend time together...specifically together. Have a game night. Sing with each other. Make dinner together. Sit on the couch and watch a movie. Don't lose track of the fact that you are two separate people who made a choice to live under the same roof. Don't become roommates. Keep your fire alive.
5. Alone Time: On the same accord, make sure that you allow each other alone time. There are days where I find that I come home from a stressful day of teaching and I just want to sit in the bedroom and read a book and not be bothered. On the same hand, there are days where he comes home and had a long day at the firehouse and he wants to play his guitar for the next couple of hours.
There needs to be an understanding a respect for each other's privacy and alone time. Being around each other 24/7 can wear you out if you don't learn to step back and retreat to a quiet part of your home and take a moment for yourself.
My advice is that in the beginning, you want to make sure you establish this clearly with each other. If one partner or the other feels suffocated, then it will make the adjustment all the more difficult, on top of threatening the relationship. Have a sit down and make sure that your SO is clearly aware of the alone time boundaries.
After we have set up our own boundaries for alone time, we've come to realize how healthy it is to have it ourselves, especially when both of us are in very stressful professions. No one wants to live with a grumpy, ticking time bomb, so it is better to allow a berth of space and wait for your significant other to approach you again.
As you can see, moving in with each other seems to be a science of balance, communication and faith in your own relationship. This decision is either the make or break point for most relationships, and will tell those involved in it whether it is worth advancing to the next step or not.
Make sure that it is approached seriously as well as confidentially. Don't rush into any choices - make the move on your own time and do it with a clear mind and a full heart. Good luck with your adjustment!
1. When is good?: The choice to take the next step and move in with each other is never an easy one. There's no perfect time, as everyone is different. I've heard of people making the move after three months of seeing each other, and others, like myself, who make the move after three years of seeing each other. No one can really answer the "when" question with an exact time.
But, I can offer some advice. "When" should be a choice between the both of you that shouldn't be all practical or all emotional. It should be a balance You are not a roommate. Your purpose is not solely to split all of the bills 50/50. Moving in with each other should reflect a new phase of your relationship. It should reflect growth.
If you are choosing to move in with your significant other just because you can't live without him or her, or you are doing it only because you need a break with your bills, you are choosing to build your relationship on a weak foundation. Your SO cannot support you emotionally on his or her own, and you cannot establish your role as a roommate or you may get stuck in that role.
Both partners must want the growth as well. If one is not ready and the other is, it creates an imbalance that can threaten the relationship all together. When I first moved in with my SO, he said he was ready, but it turned out he was not. This resulted in some pretty hefty relationship consequences that took a year of rebuilding to iron out.
"When" is a decision that is all yours, but I would say that if you feel somewhere down in the pit of your stomach that it just might not be time yet, no matter how much you might need him or her, or how hard it might be to live on your own - don't do it. Go with your intuition and what your heart tells you. It will be worth waiting for.
2. Bills, Bills, Bills: Have a plan for your finances. It will not work out if you both move in with each other and wing it. You need to know how the finances will be split so that your plan is clear-cut and set in stone.
There are a few approaches to finances. One would be the "How Much Can I Handle?" approach. This is when the both of you might sit down to look at who makes the most money and who can feasibly support which bills. While this might not be split down the middle, it will remove the stress from one of you, making it easier to get bills paid on time and in full without having to nag the other for money.
Another approach might be to assess which bills are being used more by whom and then split them up and keep it set that way. If your SO uses the internet more than you do, and it is an amenity he/she had there to suit his needs, than perhaps the internet bill should be his/her responsibility. Be careful that if these parameters change in the future that you adjust them after sitting down and discussing your financial responsibility options once more. A last minute "You used the internet three days out of the month this month, so you should help with the bill too," will not be helpful or beneficial to your new living arrangement.
Lastly, there's the good ol' 50/50, black and white, right down the middle approach. Half of every bill is paid by each of you regardless of who ate what, who is using what, and who left the sink running all night. This approach assures that there is no middle ground to argue with. You live in the house too, you pay for half of it.
3. Routines: Going from living on your own to living with another fulltime can be quite a shocking experience. When you live by yourself, you are used to your own habits and your own routines. When you are hungry for dinner and it is four in the afternoon, you make dinner. Who is going to stop you? When you are bored and lounging around the house and feel like going to the gym, you get up and go to the gym, simple as that! And so what if your laundry has been sitting in a heap in your bedroom for the past two weeks? You still have plenty more clothes to wear before you foot the quarters for the washing machines!
It doesn't quite work that way when there are two individuals living under the same roof. A routine should be established to eliminate the "Will you do the dishes" arguments and the "It's eight at night and you still did not make dinner yet" fights.
Split chores up and make sure that they have an assigned day that they should be completed by. Decide a dinner schedule of when dinner will be made and who will make it. Maybe Tuesdays and Thursdays can be your gym day, allowing for the SO to have some free, alone time in the house (alone time is always important - we will discuss that later).
Guessing each other's next step will prove to be disappointing in the end. If you know that x needs to be done by y, then there is a mutual understanding in the home that it will be done and it doesn't need to be stressed out over.
4. Togetherness: Perhaps a few weeks have gone by and you have found your adjustment to be smooth, or maybe a bit rough around the edges. Everyone's experience will be different, so it's important to be careful when comparing to others' "When I Moved In With Bob" stories and keep focus of your own.
This is your time to live and grow with each other. You've gone from date nights, to vacation weekends to now living and breathing each other's air every moment of every day. It's a pretty harrowing concept to think about! But don't lose track of the most important thing - you are together!
I think it is important to spend time together...specifically together. Have a game night. Sing with each other. Make dinner together. Sit on the couch and watch a movie. Don't lose track of the fact that you are two separate people who made a choice to live under the same roof. Don't become roommates. Keep your fire alive.
5. Alone Time: On the same accord, make sure that you allow each other alone time. There are days where I find that I come home from a stressful day of teaching and I just want to sit in the bedroom and read a book and not be bothered. On the same hand, there are days where he comes home and had a long day at the firehouse and he wants to play his guitar for the next couple of hours.
There needs to be an understanding a respect for each other's privacy and alone time. Being around each other 24/7 can wear you out if you don't learn to step back and retreat to a quiet part of your home and take a moment for yourself.
My advice is that in the beginning, you want to make sure you establish this clearly with each other. If one partner or the other feels suffocated, then it will make the adjustment all the more difficult, on top of threatening the relationship. Have a sit down and make sure that your SO is clearly aware of the alone time boundaries.
After we have set up our own boundaries for alone time, we've come to realize how healthy it is to have it ourselves, especially when both of us are in very stressful professions. No one wants to live with a grumpy, ticking time bomb, so it is better to allow a berth of space and wait for your significant other to approach you again.
As you can see, moving in with each other seems to be a science of balance, communication and faith in your own relationship. This decision is either the make or break point for most relationships, and will tell those involved in it whether it is worth advancing to the next step or not.
Make sure that it is approached seriously as well as confidentially. Don't rush into any choices - make the move on your own time and do it with a clear mind and a full heart. Good luck with your adjustment!
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